This story makes me very sad. How perceptive your girlfriend was and how kind and brave she was to take the risk, to make the leap, to ask you what you want. And for you to go from having so few “wants” you could articulate to having the courage to divorce and to live as your full self as a trans man is breathtaking. That it took you ten days to grapple with the fact that your relationship with your first girlfiend was “not it” and accept it and tell her is not so terrible. It took my last husband a pregnancy, the birth of our child, a move across country, construction of a home and two years of misery and isolation from friends and family, THREE therapists and me moving out to save myself from “drowning in rage” AND ANOTHER SIX MONTHS OF COUPLES COUNSELING MISERY for him to tell me he had been “angry” since I “got pregnant” (it had been very much a mutual decision), and I was “not it”. You took ten days to “man up” and say the hard thing. You did okay in my book. And you apologized. It took my ex-husband THIRTY YEARS to acknowledge he “chose a house over a relationship” - which to be honest was true, but WAY too little, too late. And then he got mad thirty years later that I “wouldn’t own up to my part in the end of the relationship”. LOL. Next time I see him, I am going to tell him it was all about the waterbottles. Thank you for sharing your story.
Also, yes, my girlfriend then is a wonderful, kind person whom I didn’t deserve at the time. Even though I did not mean to hurt her, I did, as a result of my own lack of self-awareness and pain. And I told her as much when I apologized. I was in therapy but hadn’t yet realized how messed up I was. That breakup triggered the grief of the end of my marriage that I had not felt yet, and I finally leaned into it. Read a lot of therapy/healing books. Learned about attachment styles and relationships.
I want to put in a word, too, about the difficulty it can be to finally be shown how our hesitation to "rip the bandaid off" actually continues to propagate pain in those around us, completely opposite of what we might have intended and wanted.
I know that there's been many times where I have felt that I was holding off addressing some issue because I didn't want to hurt my partner or to instigate some harsh disagreement, or even at times just felt that sharing how I was feeling would burden or unfairly criticize them (or at least shine some light on something that I knew they didn't want brought to their attention). But I have slowly been learning that these things have to come out, they can't sit in stasis or hibernation, without any effects. They tend to canker and grow into much worse things, such as resentment or distain or contempt. By waiting or choosing to "let it be" we are taking that burden onto ourselves and not allowing them to share in our pain or to be that loving support and we are not giving them the opportunity to choose to address those things that trouble us or sustain and comfort us in the struggles that we are having.
Granted, it takes a lot of maturity to be able to have these conversations with each other, and so many of us haven't achieved that, but everytime we try and are able to come together again to share our selves and our love to each other we build a better relationship and a better life together.
And just about 100% of this understanding has come from therapy and working through much of my own issues and struggles and trying to get a better partner. ... And I still have a looooong way to go: There's _always_ room for improvement.
Oh, yes, I feel all of this! People pleasers think we are doing others a favor, but it’s actually making it worse for everyone.
Once I saw that withholding my emotions/needs is actually an attempt to control others (control their feelings by avoiding those conversations), I realized how much I want to fix that in myself.
I agree completely! I have come to deeply question myself about this. Like, when has withholding or repressing our emotions ever been helpful? Only when I was chasing belonging or acceptance in a group that I had thought was what I wanted (although, subconsciously, I could tell even then that I really wasn't comfortable with it: i.e. popularity or the church, etc..).
I always felt that I was one to wear my emotions on my sleeve and share "who I am" with everyone around me, but my entire life I only held out a portion of me for that public inspection. But I _want_ to be able to be that free in expression and to truly be living and open with everything that I am experiencing, to be able to react and show my deep emotions and share those times with those that I love.
I hope to achieve an emotional maturity to live like that. To me, it feels like freedom.
Oh, Myra! Thanks for sharing your story and pain. I’m afraid there are so many more relationships like your former one. I’m sorry you went through all that. So many men can’t handle it when their wife gets pregnant. Like they can’t stand that something is out of their control and he’s not the center of attention anymore.
Unfortunately, my girlfriend could read on my body what I could not for a good month. My body was saying I want out all that time and I had no idea what was going on and ignoring it and dismissing it. But, yes, thankfully it was only a month and not decades. Big hugs.
Stay tuned for more stories about my first marriage and lots of me ignoring red flags. See my story “Testosterone and me: Deciding to Go on T” for a glimpse. (My ex refused couple’s counseling, therapy for himself…)
This story makes me very sad. How perceptive your girlfriend was and how kind and brave she was to take the risk, to make the leap, to ask you what you want. And for you to go from having so few “wants” you could articulate to having the courage to divorce and to live as your full self as a trans man is breathtaking. That it took you ten days to grapple with the fact that your relationship with your first girlfiend was “not it” and accept it and tell her is not so terrible. It took my last husband a pregnancy, the birth of our child, a move across country, construction of a home and two years of misery and isolation from friends and family, THREE therapists and me moving out to save myself from “drowning in rage” AND ANOTHER SIX MONTHS OF COUPLES COUNSELING MISERY for him to tell me he had been “angry” since I “got pregnant” (it had been very much a mutual decision), and I was “not it”. You took ten days to “man up” and say the hard thing. You did okay in my book. And you apologized. It took my ex-husband THIRTY YEARS to acknowledge he “chose a house over a relationship” - which to be honest was true, but WAY too little, too late. And then he got mad thirty years later that I “wouldn’t own up to my part in the end of the relationship”. LOL. Next time I see him, I am going to tell him it was all about the waterbottles. Thank you for sharing your story.
Also, yes, my girlfriend then is a wonderful, kind person whom I didn’t deserve at the time. Even though I did not mean to hurt her, I did, as a result of my own lack of self-awareness and pain. And I told her as much when I apologized. I was in therapy but hadn’t yet realized how messed up I was. That breakup triggered the grief of the end of my marriage that I had not felt yet, and I finally leaned into it. Read a lot of therapy/healing books. Learned about attachment styles and relationships.
She deserved better.
I want to put in a word, too, about the difficulty it can be to finally be shown how our hesitation to "rip the bandaid off" actually continues to propagate pain in those around us, completely opposite of what we might have intended and wanted.
I know that there's been many times where I have felt that I was holding off addressing some issue because I didn't want to hurt my partner or to instigate some harsh disagreement, or even at times just felt that sharing how I was feeling would burden or unfairly criticize them (or at least shine some light on something that I knew they didn't want brought to their attention). But I have slowly been learning that these things have to come out, they can't sit in stasis or hibernation, without any effects. They tend to canker and grow into much worse things, such as resentment or distain or contempt. By waiting or choosing to "let it be" we are taking that burden onto ourselves and not allowing them to share in our pain or to be that loving support and we are not giving them the opportunity to choose to address those things that trouble us or sustain and comfort us in the struggles that we are having.
Granted, it takes a lot of maturity to be able to have these conversations with each other, and so many of us haven't achieved that, but everytime we try and are able to come together again to share our selves and our love to each other we build a better relationship and a better life together.
And just about 100% of this understanding has come from therapy and working through much of my own issues and struggles and trying to get a better partner. ... And I still have a looooong way to go: There's _always_ room for improvement.
Oh, yes, I feel all of this! People pleasers think we are doing others a favor, but it’s actually making it worse for everyone.
Once I saw that withholding my emotions/needs is actually an attempt to control others (control their feelings by avoiding those conversations), I realized how much I want to fix that in myself.
I agree completely! I have come to deeply question myself about this. Like, when has withholding or repressing our emotions ever been helpful? Only when I was chasing belonging or acceptance in a group that I had thought was what I wanted (although, subconsciously, I could tell even then that I really wasn't comfortable with it: i.e. popularity or the church, etc..).
I always felt that I was one to wear my emotions on my sleeve and share "who I am" with everyone around me, but my entire life I only held out a portion of me for that public inspection. But I _want_ to be able to be that free in expression and to truly be living and open with everything that I am experiencing, to be able to react and show my deep emotions and share those times with those that I love.
I hope to achieve an emotional maturity to live like that. To me, it feels like freedom.
Yes yes yes. I’ve found Religious Harm Recovery (a group on FB) to be helpful! They messed us up so bad. But there is healing
Oh, Myra! Thanks for sharing your story and pain. I’m afraid there are so many more relationships like your former one. I’m sorry you went through all that. So many men can’t handle it when their wife gets pregnant. Like they can’t stand that something is out of their control and he’s not the center of attention anymore.
Unfortunately, my girlfriend could read on my body what I could not for a good month. My body was saying I want out all that time and I had no idea what was going on and ignoring it and dismissing it. But, yes, thankfully it was only a month and not decades. Big hugs.
Stay tuned for more stories about my first marriage and lots of me ignoring red flags. See my story “Testosterone and me: Deciding to Go on T” for a glimpse. (My ex refused couple’s counseling, therapy for himself…)
This is so moving and honest and heart-breaking. Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you for reading this and my other posts, Asmira! I'm pleased that it conveyed the intended emotions to you.
I really appreciate your work. And you write so well!
🥹